Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
