my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
