Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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