2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So many bounce houses so little time
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
