You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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