Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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