I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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