You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
