i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
