Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
