woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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