Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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