dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Randomize
