I like my sex mixed with concussions.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize