before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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