If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
