Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
