So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
