Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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