i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
