I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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