I accidentally burped into my bong.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize