We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
