you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
