so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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