The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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