I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
