you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
