I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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