I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
