my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
