how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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