That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
