He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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