Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
