I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
