I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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