this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize