Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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