I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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