thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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