i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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