i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was CRYING into my vagina
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
