my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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