weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
