if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
