6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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