Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
