I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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