Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
