The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
