I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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