fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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