now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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