so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
