He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
