My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
