I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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