I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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