I wish I could teleport
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
