I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
