dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
