Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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