Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
